The COVID-19 pandemic and its effects on poly relationships: A Story in Five Parts
By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse
Part One
How are poly folks coping in the age of COVID-19?
No one could have predicted or been prepared for the current COVID-19 pandemic that arrived in the US in February of 2020, and its impact on all relationships, including poly relationships. At the time of this writing, over 850,000 Americans have died of COVID. Elders are particularly vulnerable to the virus due to their age and to pre-existing medical conditions, and the majority of COVID hospitalizations and deaths have been people over 75 years old.
This unprecedented situation, and the constantly changing public health guidelines, has put enormous strain on all relationships, whether poly or monogamous. And it has created some unique problems for poly people and some new challenges in poly relationships. These include:
Assessing the relative risks of exposure to COVID inherent in having multiple partners
Navigating the minefield of partners having different levels of risk tolerance
Coping with loneliness and isolation caused by not being able to see one partner or, in some cases, any partners for a year or in some cases much longer
Lack of child care due to schools being closed for over a year
Job loss and drop in income of one or more poly partners
Grieving the COVID-related deaths of estranged parents or other relatives, who may have had negative judgements about and not being accepting of their poly relationships
And: the “ripple effect” on poly prople when adult children have lost their jobs or been emotionally destabilized due to COVID.
As the pandemic has dragged on for nearly two years, and surges continue to rise and subside, everything is up for discussion, and conflicts and disagreements abound.
The current crisis has also demonstrated the strength and resilience of polyamorous relationships and highlighted a few significant advantages of polyamory during the pandemic. For instance, many report that their poly partners and the poly community have provided much more emotional, practical, and financial support during this period than would have been available to them if they were in a monogamous relationship.
The public health guidelines and precautions that everyone is being advised or mandated to take have dramatically changed our world and our daily lives. Millions of employed people were working from home for at least a year, starting when orders to “shelter in place” went into effect in mid-March, 2020, in most states, and many are still working remotely. Most schools were closed for a year, and parents suddenly had to juggle full-time jobs, full time parenting, as well as supervising their kids’ studies in on-line “Zoom School.” Millions more lost their jobs for nearly a year or even longer, when their workplaces were shut down, including restaurants, bars, hotels, airlines, hair salons, gyms, theaters and almost all public venues.
Since vaccines became available in early 2021, the majority of Americans have gotten vaccinated. Just when people began to feel things were getting back to some semblance of normalcy in June 2021, a massive new surge of COVID cases hit all 50 states. This wave was fueled by the arrival of the Delta and Delta Plus COVID variants, as well as the subset of people who remained unvaccinated. In addition, many people had gone back to their workplaces as well as beginning to socialize with friends and family, and going to restaurants, bars, gyms, and on trips, leading to being exposed to many more people than for the previous year. And while the vaccines seemed to provide robust protection to the original COVID and most variants, the Delta and Delta Plus variants caused thousands of “breakthrough” cases among fully vaccinated people.
By October 2021, the “summer surge” has waned and the number of both cases and deaths were decreasing. However, by November, the Omicron variant had been discovered, which proved to be much more contagious but much less lethal than earlier variants. While health experts warned of a “winter surge,” many people had already booked flights for holiday trips or had planned holiday parties and events, which fueled a new surge of COVID throughout December, and by early January, 2022, the numbers of cases were higher than ever before.
So it looks like COVID will be a factor in our lives--and in our relationships--for a long time to come.
Different generations of the poly world have been affected in different ways. Overall, poly people of child-bearing age, in their 20’s through late 40’s, have been much more impacted than polys of other age groups, as they have had the dual responsibilities of jobs and kids, many without a workplace to go to and no consistently-open schools or child-care centers. In addition, more people in these age groups lost their jobs either temporarily or permanently, with devastating financial consequences. These overwhelming stressors have pushed many poly relationships to the breaking point, and some long-term poly relationships have not survived the pandemic.
The good news is that some younger poly families have reported that having a larger circle of partners, metamours, and even ex-lovers has helped them manage and even thrive during this terrible time. For instance, Lindy and Jose are a straight couple in their late 30’s with two children. In March, 2020, they suddenly found themselves working 40 to 50 hours a week from home at their engineering jobs for Google. Their four-year-old daughter’s pre-school was closed for the first 10 months of the pandemic, and their eight-year-old son’s elementary school was closed for over a year. Jose’s girlfriend, Maris, 35, worked at an upscale clothing boutique, which was forced to close due to being deemed an “inessential service.” She told Jose, “You need child care, and I need something to do so I don’t go stir-crazy.” She was receiving Unemployment checks, so she was able to scrape by financially. She volunteered to come to their home to provide child care for both kids eight hours a day while they worked. She planned fun games and educational activities for the younger child, and helped the older child adapt to “distance learning” on a computer screen, and keep him focused on his on-line classes and homework assignments. She told Lindy and Jose to spend all day at her apartment, so they could focus on getting their work done without constant interruptions from the kids. Lindy and Jose insisted on paying Maris’ rent and utilities, because they were ‘renting’ her apartment as an office. Many younger poly folks have similar stories to tell about being “rescued” by their poly partners and metamours from disasters caused by COVID.