The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression, and the Conversations We Aren't Having by JoEllen Notte Finally! A book about the intersection of sex and depression! JoEllen
Notte has written a book that millions of people need and will benefit
from! "The Monster Under the Bed" is a very valuable new book from
Thorntree Press. Notte eloquently describes all the ways in which
depression can take a terrible toll on your sex life, and how the
cascading effects of a dwindling or disappearing sexual relationship can
destroy your self-esteem and your relationship. She
courageously uses herself and her own severe depression to illustrate
how her own lack of understanding and knowledge about depression, as
well as her husband's lack of resources in coping with her depression,
ruined their sexual relationship and led to divorce. She also
interviewed 1300 people through an on-line survey about their experience
with depression and the enormous impact of depression on their sex
lives. So she has a ton of information that she skillfully weaves into
both a clear explanation of the problems and a manual for finding
solutions. Armed with all this raw data, she successfully debunks a lot
of outdated myths about depression as well as a lot of inaccurate
information about sex and relationships. The
book is very balanced, and does not blame or shame either the depressed
partner and the partner who is not depressed. Instead she articulates
very clearly both the experience and point of view of the partner who is
suffering with depression and the partner who is not depressed but is
helplessly watching their partner's struggle depression. The depressed
partner feels "unheard, unseen, broken, and alone," often feels
pressured for sex and feels like a failure for disappointing their
partner if they are not feeling very enthusiastic about sex. And often
are plagued by such low self-esteem that they feel unworthy of love,
they don't feel sexually desirable, and feel they should be grateful
that anyone wants them. The non-depressed partner usually has no
experience with what depression feels like and no education on how to be
supportive, and on top of that, they are probably not getting laid much
(if at all), so they feel unsatisfied, unloved, rejected, unattractive,
and resentful. So it's certainly not surprising that both people are
suffering in silence and don't have a clue how to talk to each other or
come up with solutions. And
to make matters worse, more than half of people taking anti-depressant
medications experience what the drug companies euphemistically call
"sexual side effects," such as your extreme fatigue and lethargy, low or
no libido, lack of sexual sensations or pleasure, difficulty reaching
orgasm, and difficulty getting and/or keeping an erection. And most
doctors aren't much help, as many people she surveyed reported that
their doctors were extremely uncomfortable talking about sex, and made
them feel ashamed for bringing up the subject of how their depression
was affecting their sex life. This is not surprising, as Notte says that
most medical students only receive about two hours of education about
sex and sexuality, in their four years of medical school! Since
most people are uncomfortable talking about depression or any kind of
mental health conditions, the combination of depression and sexual
problems creates a "double taboo" subject that causes many people hide
their diagnosis of depression and not ask anyone, even their doctors,
for help. In my own private practice, I can confirm this. Many clients
have reported sexual problems related to their depression, but their
doctors and psychiatrists have not ever broached the topic or offered
support for sexual problems, and the doctors get tense and uncomfortable
if the client brings it up. And many of my clients report sexual side
effects from medication, and most say their doctors have not even warned
them about these side effects, so they were not even aware that the
medication was at least part of the cause of their sexual problems. When
I confronted a client's psychiatrist about this, he said, "She was
severely depressed and I was giving her the medication to keep her from
killing herself, so I was not that concerned about whether she could
have orgasms." Notte
gives great advice for both partners on how to communicate about your
sexual feelings and needs, and the importance of rejecting old beliefs
about yourself, your partner, about sex, about depression, in order to
create a more satisfying sex life. More than anything, Notte urges couples to talk openly and honestly with
each other about what they are going through and what they are feeling,
rather than making assumptions and trying to protect each other's
feelings. This
book is also a very valuable resource for therapists, doctors, and
other clinicians that treat clients struggling with depression. There
are very few books or other sources of information available for the
"helping professionals" who want to educate themselves in order to
better support their clients. This book adds a great "tool to your
toolkit" for anyone working with individuals or couples where depression
has affected their sexual relationship. For further information or to buy the book, go to: |
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